Laughter is often said to be the best medicine. It not only lifts our spirits but also brings people together in ways that words sometimes cannot.
If you’re looking to inject some humor into your day or simply need a light-hearted moment, you’ve come to the right place. Here are 100 of the funniest quotes that promise to tickle your funny bone and add a little zest to your routine. From witty one-liners to chucklesome observations about everyday life, these quotes are sure to keep you smiling.
Funny Quotes to Brighten Your Day
“I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.”
“I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.”
“Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.”
“My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry.”
“I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.”
“If you think nothing is impossible, try slamming a revolving door.”
“I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.”
“Why is it called ‘beauty sleep’ when you wake up looking like a troll!”
“I’m not late. I’m just early for tomorrow.”
“Insomnia is my greatest inspiration.” – Jon Stewart
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” – Steve Martin
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” – Jim Carrey
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.” – Woody Allen
“People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” – Isaac Asimov
“I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book.” – Groucho Marx
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.” – Bill Murray
“Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?” – Phyllis Diller
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” – George Carlin
“I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.” – Steven Wright
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.”
“I’m not clumsy, the floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.”
“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.” – Alan Dundes
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.” – Dave Barry
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” – Charles Lamb
“If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
“Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese.”
“I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.”
“I’m not weird! I’m limited edition.”
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.” – Oscar Wilde
“By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.” – Charles Wadsworth
“Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.” – Francois de La Rochefoucauld
“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” – Elbert Hubbard
“Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.” – Charles Dudley Warner
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.” – Les Dawson
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” – Robin Williams
“I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!” – Unknown
“War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.” – Ambrose Bierce
“My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.”
“All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips.”
“Trying is the first step toward failure.” – Homer Simpson
“I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.” – A. Whitney Brown
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.” – Dalai Lama
“I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.” – Emo Philips
“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.” – Cathy Guisewite
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.” – Steven Wright
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.” – Ann Landers
“I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.”
“Practice makes perfect but then nobody is perfect so what’s the point of practicing?”
“Everybody wishes they could go to heaven but no one wants to die.”
“Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking terrible?”
“If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.”
“I’m not lazy, just very relaxed.”
“Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.”
“Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright.”
“Laughter is the shock absorber that eases the blows of life.”
“An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough.”
“To err is human; to admit it, superhuman.”
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
“I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me.”
“As long as there are tests, there will be prayers in schools.”
“What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire? Frostbite.”
“I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.”
“I’m multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time.”
“The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.”
“Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.”
“A pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative.”
“My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.”
“If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead yet?”
“I finally realized that people are prisoners of their phones… that’s why it’s called a ‘cell’ phone.”
“Life is short. If you can’t laugh at yourself, call me…I will.”
“I’m not arguing, I’m simply explaining why I’m right.”
“With great power comes an even greater electricity bill.”
“Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.”
“If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.”
“Don’t give up on your dreams so soon, sleep longer.”
“I’m on that new diet where you eat everything and hope for a miracle.”
“My mind is like my internet browser. 19 tabs are open, 3 are frozen and I have no idea where the music is coming from.”
“Life doesn’t have any hands, but it can sure give you a slap sometimes.”
“It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” – Woody Allen
“I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything.”
“Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?”
“I’m not a procrastinator. I’m just extremely productive at unimportant things.”
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” – Robin Williams
“I’m not running away from hard work, I’m too lazy to run.”
“I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.”
“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.”
“I’m not weird, I’m just easier to see than most people.”
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” – Mark Twain
“I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.”
“If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.”
“The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”
“I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.”
“I’m supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.”
“I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.”
“Sorry for the mean, awful, accurate things I said.”
“I’d tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.”
Hope you enjoy these funny quotes to keep the laughs coming and brighten your everyday. Humor has a wonderful way of transforming our perspective and easing the stress of daily life.
Whether you shared a few of these with friends or kept them as a personal treat, remember that a good laugh heals a lot of hurts. Bookmark this page for when you need a pick-me-up or a quick chuckle to flip your day around. After all, as they say, laughter is contagious—spread it around!
